12/12/2008

It was sacred day for me, the day I changed. The day that really shattered me into pieces. The day God Himself challenged me.

It happened when it was raining. While i was browsing the internet, this silly idea popped-up into my mind. I understand I violated someone’s privacy but I did it instead, and it absolutely changed my life.  Suddenly a bolt of lightning struck me, myself trembling, my heart was beating really fast, Adrenalin pumped out, anger dominate myself,  I kept denying (this isn’t happening, this isn’t happening). I could see myself from above,  sitting in front of my laptop, shaking my head, helpless.

As I read closely, I assured myself  It happened and there’s nothing you can do.  I walked around my neighborhood in the middle of the rain trying to figure out what i am gonna do next. I let anger settled down to think considering anger  could clouds mind. Then after settled, I decided to make a call to confirm, I really wanted explanation.

I made a phone call, and all I got was denial, no truth, no honesty, nothing you expected from someone really precious in your life. That night, I couldn’t sleep, I was lost in my mind, adrift at sea of thoughts. Something beautiful that i’ve been trying to built and protect was just a waste. I thought it was strong. I came to realize that it was fragile and broken inside.

I thought I could move on, but I couldn’t. I was trying to cry but I couldn’t, I was trying to keep myself occupied, again I couldn’t.  This thing is already rooted inside. It takes time to  pull out all of the roots. When you were used to share all things with someone -sweet or bitter-, it’s really hard when you realized that’s nobody around, there you are alone, left behind, struggling to make it through.

When the hard times comes,  I couldn’t do anything, there’s a strange feeling inside your chest that made you feel helpless. But i realized, hard times are bound to get easier in time.  Yes, time could heal almost everything. Time will also tell the truth. I know there’s nothing I can do, All I have to do just go on with my life.

I thanked God for challenging me to give up my dreams. In the end, I hope I could look back, and grateful for what happened as I’m turning to be a better person. And someday Insya Allah, I will tell my story to someone I love and give them advice. Probably it would sound like this

“Think before you act, try never hurts feelings of someone you love the most as  it will ruin both life (you and the one you hurt). If you’re hurt,  Just be strong, because only time will heal. But if you hurt someone. Deal with the consequences and go on with your life, never look back as it would hurt you even more”

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